Dear you

Forget the past

Dear you,

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately and I feel so guilty when I do. I miss you sometimes but I will never admit that to anyone but myself. I don’t want what we had or anything like that but I miss my friend. You were a good friend, you made me laugh a lot and we had fun together. You were there for me, you knew so well. I don’t hate you because the memories aren’t all bad. I hate that you didn’t give a shit at the end. I never loved you the way I wanted to. I guess we were just a good time. I don’t regret that. I regret losing you as my friend. I think I’d change everything if it meant still having you in my life but I guess a part of me also doesn’t care anymore. I haven’t thought about you this much in such a long time. Sometimes I wish I could ask you how things are for you. I see your happy and found someone, I guess that’s good. I’m happy now and I kind of have to thank you for that. I’m sorry that he was your best friend and that now you don’t even speak. I don’t want to think it’s my fault but I guess it is. But you were my best friend too, and I lost you. I think it hurt me more than him. I don’t know if he hates you, but I don’t anymore. I used to hate you so much. I hated the pressure you put on me. I hated you for not caring. I hated you for lying to me. I don’t know if it was all a lie or not but I guess it wasn’t all a lie. It was a whole year. You were the one who started, and kept it going. You looked for me. I just followed. I hate you for making him jealous and hurting him but it was my fault too. He didn’t need to know everything, I think that must have been hard for him but harder for me to tell him. I hate you for making me hurt him, more making him cry. I hated you for not telling him the truth from the beginning. I guess it all happened like it was support to. I think that if things were different, I wouldn’t be with him today. And that’s the part I thank you for, if you would have told him from the beginning I wouldn’t have him today in my life like I do. Yes, I choice him over you. And I’d like to believe if something or someone made me choose back then, I’d choose him too. You and I were a phase. It was a good time. A mistake? I don’t think that. Maybe something to point us in the right direction. I really don’t know what I’d say to you if I ever saw you, if anything at all. I just want you to know I don’t hate you anymore. I hated you. I really despised you for hurting me and leaving me to lead with all this. I hate that I lost you as my friend but things happen for a reason. Thanks for those memories. I wonder if you still remember. I wonder if you think of me from time to time. Have you told anyone? I guess it wasn’t a big deal but it kind of was. Yes, I’d go back and live it all one last time and no, I won’t change a thing. God, I can never let him see this. I didn’t love you, but I do love him. And want to know how I know I didn’t love you? You didn’t make me feel like he does. I wasn’t jealous with you. I didn’t give a fuck. I just wanted to have fun. I wanted to do something I thought I’d never do. I kind of hated myself for so long for being so naive and falling for every word you said. For doing anything you’d ask me to do. Well, almost anything. I think I’d hate myself and you so much more if that would have happened. I think he would never forgive me if that had happened. I think I wouldn’t either. So now you know, I miss you and I can’t stop thinking about you. I wish things would have ended different, I wish you were still my friend. But again, things happen for a reason. So I wish you all the best in your life. I’m sure I will see you from a far someday and we’ll never talk again but that’s that.

Sincerly, 

me ♥